Being a closet spanko wasn't my only secret while I was in high school.  Or rather, it was only part of the secret. My spanko fantasies almost exclusively featured me getting spanked by women - teachers, movie stars, a neighbor, professional tennis players, friends.  And always attractive women.  Although now I know that they were sexual fantasies, that wasn't clear to me initially, because at least at first, they didn't involve sex, just me getting my bottom spanked, usually my bare bottom.

Several years later, my therapist helped me understand that my fantasies were a "safe" way of exploring my interest in other women.  By attaching it to my previous interest in spanking, I could fantasize about particular women without acknowledging, even to myself, that I felt sexually attracted to them.  Meanwhile, I had normal teen-age fantasies about guys, budding bisexual that I was. That separation - fantasizing about sex with guys, but only spanking with women - didn't last.  As time went on, my fantasies about woman came to be about me getting spanked and then having sex, leaving little doubt where my interests lay - about both women and spanking.

Did I ever imagine being spanked by a guy?  Well, yes, I did, but it was more exploratory. As I came to understand my view of spanking as a sexual act, of course I would occasionally imagine a sexy guy doing it to me. It was never like with women, where a sexual fantasy ALWAYS involved me getting spanked. A funny thing - I never fantasized about my boyfriend David spanking me.  Well, yes, I occasionally wondered what it would be like if he did, but it was never a DESIRE, however unspoken, that he would do it. Maybe it was just an acceptance that he would never want to - he paid far more attention to my miniature boobettes than he ever did to my ass.

What I said earlier about fantasizing about spankings from friends wasn't exactly true.  I didn't ever fantasize about girls who were really my friends.  I did, though, fantasize about spankings from other girls at school. As much as I enjoyed congratulatory butt slaps from my volleyball teammates, I honestly can say I never imagined going over their knees.  But, there was a girl, Jan, a year older than me, who for three years was always on varsity while I played JV who became my secret crush. She was tall, good-looking, athletic, super intense, and a star.  As a nobody JV player, I had only occasional interactions with her.  I could sure imagine her taking me to  task for something, hauling me over her knee for a good spanking, and then afterwards... well, you know.  I could, and I did - fantasize about her that is, a lot.

It was better that way, of course, not having either spanking or sexual desires for my friends.  A girl needs her friends to be just that - her friends,  People to hang out with, to talk to.  That can't be complicated by any sexual tension.  What I never talked to them about was my secret, or rather my two secrets.  I never spoke to anyone about them.



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