I had to issue that notice because I didn't want a reader to be disappointed.  In my next post, however, there will be an actual spanking.  Do come back!

As I finished high school, my life just didn't go where I had intended it to go, particularly in regard to college.  And it was all my own fault.  In elementary school and middle school, my friends considered me one of the smart kids, and so did I.  In high school, though, my grades started to slip.  It started with math - as I got got past basic algebra, it just seemed to get harder and harder.  Science followed.  And History never had been my favorite.  So "all As" became "As and Bs" until I got a C- in Algebra II.  At the time I considered it an aberration.   I didn't change my study habits, which I had always thought to be pretty good.  I was just enjoying high school too much - volleyball, the newspaper, my circle of friends, a chorus part in the musical, and of course, my boyfriend.

My initial SAT results should have been a wake-up call. I pretty much bombed the math portion, and didn't do as well as I expected on the verbal.  I didn't worry, because I'd get another shot at the test.  I intended to prepare for the next sitting, and meanwhile work harder at school heading into my senior year, but I didn't keep my priorities in order.  I kept a part-time job I had started over the summer in order to have some money in my pocket.  I made varsity in volleyball.  I devoted more time to the school newspaper, mostly because my boyfriend David was the editor.  After nearly year of dating, David and I had finally had sex at the end of the summer.   I knew he loved me, and wanted to be with him as much as I could, looking for every opportunity we could to "do it."

My perception of myself as a smart kid never changed, and I picked the colleges I wanted to apply to accordingly.  Despite contrary advice from both my guidance counselor at school and my parents, I chose as my "safe" schools a somewhat competitive state school, and then one private school.  Although the latter was  pretty expensive, I was confident that, based on their student aid policies, I would get a scholarship. When my parents asked what would happen if I didn't get into any of them, rather than add a less competitive state school to my list, I gave a flippant answer that I'd just go to community college for a couple years.

It's obvious where this is headed, isn't it?  After the application deadlines, I got back my latest SAT scores - only marginally better in math, and worse on the verbal.  The death knell came with my first semester grades, which were, in a word, horrible.

Unrealistically, I continued to hold out hope.  Then the rejection letters came.  At the very end came my one acceptance, from the private "safe" school, but with the only offered financial "assistance" being student loans for a portion of the cost.  No merit scholarship, on account of my grades, and no student aid.  

My father had found the worst time to find a well-paying full-tie job - that's the way I viewed it at the time- just before the previous calendar year, which was what the perceived financial "need" was based on.  With savings depleted, and debt having piled up during the years my dad was without a permanent job, my parents insisted they were in no position to take out additional loans to fund the cost.  I had only one argument with them about it, which I lost (and no, I did not get spanked.) Rather than make any attempt to gain late admission to a less expensive state school, I resolved stubbornly to follow through with my earlier "threat" to go to community college, as if somehow that would be embarrassing to them.

I withdrew into a shell for the rest of my senior year, spending as much time as I could with David, and then the rest, when not working or at school, on-line in the spanking chatrooms which I had discovered a couple months before. role-playing my fantasies.

At the end of the summer, one by one my friends went away to school.  I was the only one in my whole circle who would be living at home during the coming year.  

The more time I had spent with David, the more I began to see his flaws, how condescending he could be.  Quite frankly, I was kind of glad he'd be at a school a couple hours away, so I'd be free of having to put up constantly with his attitude.  What I'd miss was the sex - but I figured if I visited him once a month, and he came home that often, I could get enough.

We went out to the movies the night before he was due to leave, having sex in the car afterwards.  Only then did he tell me that he thought it was best if we broke up. so that we would both be free to explore the social scene at school.  What a jerk!  As much as I wanted a bit of space myself, to be dumped this away, right after fucking him, no less, made me feel totally used.  And hurt.  And depressed.

Ok, what really got me depressed was for me, the "smart kid," to be stuck home going to community college while all my friends went went away to school.  My self-esteem was at rock bottom.  I withdrew even more, spending even more time online, now being even more willing to indulge other people's ever-weirder fantasies in roleplay - age regression scenarios where I would be spanked and then sexually abused as a young teen, or even a pre-teen, by both men and women.  

I knew that this was not healthy for me, but couldn't stop doing it.  Fortunately, my mom noticed my downward spiral, even without knowing what I was doing during all the time I spent on line, and convinced me to see a psychologist. My good fortune continued when the the psychologist she got me to see proved to be both understanding and helpful in sorting out my issues - lack of self-esteem, depression, lack of motivation for starters, but also, once I opened up, my interests in both spanking and other women.  Those last two she didn't see as "sicknesses to be cured," but rather as preferences to be explored, albeit in a more healthy manner than I'd been doing.

So, in closing, despite the fact that they'll never read this blog, I want to give a virtual shout-out to both my mom and Dr. Franz.
3/16/2013 07:34:34 pm

This was not an easy post to read, and I'm certainly glad I read the ones after it first or it would have been very depressing. =(

I'd like to apologize on behalf of the online RPers who coerced you into doing things you weren't comfortable with, especially the sexual abuse against children. It's a total scumbag move to take advantage of someone's desire to be spanked (or to spank) like that and I'm glad you were able to find relationships that were healthy for you.

God bless and keep posting. Your blog is wonderful to read. =)


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